She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize