you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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