Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
