Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
