why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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