I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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