as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
