so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
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I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
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but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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