how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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