I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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