I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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