my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
