my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I want her autograph on my taint
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
