Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
