I showed him my bush... on skype.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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