So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
