You're completely useless in the revolution.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
