there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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