so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
