my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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