So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
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I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
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Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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