nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I smell stomach acid.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
