I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
