i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
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How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
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I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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