Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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