We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
