i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
