I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
