Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
