As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
