My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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