Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
