Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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