My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
