Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
