No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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