In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
