Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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