Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Randomize
