So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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