Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Randomize
