Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
