Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
i think my cat just said my name.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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