I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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