Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
