You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
