Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
