Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
