I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
