half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Green mimosas i think yes
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
