he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
