I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
