I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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