Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
