im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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