you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
