hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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